my story i hope to publish

[killer8529]

We live in a world of mobile cities sometimes this world is threatened by monsters called dragons they are vicious and have no pity the only thing that stands In the way of them destroying us Is my kind we are the dragoons as we like to call ourselves we tame dragons from eggs there is one for each city well two if you include the apprentice for each master. Anyway what we do to protect the mobile cities is kept from the public for obvious reasons who would want to know that the thing that is protecting them is a dragon and us but it all comes with a price that most dragoons don’t deal with it usually remains dormant only once before has It happened to anyone. it all started at the age of 5 a dragon attacked my city and killed my mum and dad but my brothers body was never found in the pile of burnt and broken body’s the dragoons weren’t fast enough to kill the dragon so it got away the only thing that remained was me witch in a since was silly a five year old kid living were any other person didn’t so the dragoons took me in and I was given a egg witch did hatched for me and nearly killed me in the process.

Dragoons aren’t just one person tough they are a group if a dragon was higher than B class they always bring in another dragoon as fast as possible and if not there apprentice or a group of dragoon trained men would come and help there were about one hundred people involved with each dragoon. There are five classes of dragons 0,A,B,C,D in that order 0’s we don’t usually mess with if we come across one we run there are always three at all times alive of these things no matter how fast you kill them there big and nasty and I mean real big we once took a picture from a satellite and got about one third of the world covered and 50% of it was a 0 class dragon we only once have taken on one of them and won in history
A,B class dragons are thought you need at least two fully fledge dragoons or one that’s about to finish his apprentice to even think about taking on them C,D though are the one we usually deal with they come in the thousands sometimes and every thousand years millions yes they are in numbers but weak as hell.
Any way when I was about ten I sent the whole dragoon society to shambles well really my dragon did you see the normal dragon egg that we are given as apprentice is A class and we stay with them the rest of our natural life well unnatural we live as long as a dragon would live but that’s only about hundred years max unless you’re a really good dragoon the one I got was not an A class but something else this is what happened that day not all too long ago

“you rat child get up here at once and stop playing with my dragon Farengual” my master screamed down the tubing Farengual was an A class dragon looked just like a giant gecko if you removed the sold steal body and the floating wings covered in amour form the Godforge because he was born without wings just two floating metal rings he had a row of small spikes running down his back pointing to his tail and had a patterns all over his body but surprisingly light for his size most children could pick him up we don’t know if its him using his wings or not though we is the only dragon I know that never flaps his wings one strange dragon well mine is strange but we will get to that later
“Coming master Greg I will be right up” I ran to get to the stairs when I heard Master Greg’s voice again though the tubing
“get your egg up here too it’s time for It to hatch” when I heard this I ran back though Farengual pen and into my one and grabbed the egg and then ran all the way back to the stairs to the keep we lived In the keep was like an old castle back in the old days but with new technology integrated into it I ran towards the Godforge we called it that because it produced the finest armour and weapons known to man and even improved some of the old ones we stick anything in it and in a day it will be made or better or just sharpened after It comes out also it is the only place we can make dragon eggs hatch which is a big thing that is why there is three dragoons protecting this city including myself
“there you are Nemroy the other master is waiting come on boy move your butt and get over here with that egg” master Greg yelled from the entrance to the forge he was a tall man but no real mussel but none could beat him in an arm wrestle ran passed and he flowed me inside.
Inside the other master was waiting, master Mathew was a fat man actually let’s leave him as big but despite his bigness he could move as a flea and jump just as high as on to if there was a flea his size
“What took you so long we were waiting about an hour ago so hurry up and put your egg in the fire so we can hatch so we masters can go home and rest for the rest of the day?” Master Mathew growled so I stuck my egg in the forge and the next thing I know is the egg being hit by a sledge hammer and a dragon jumping on me and trying to kill me but master Mathew was faster than the dragon and was able to pin it to the ground next to me before it could while mast Greg pick up his axe to strike it dead I stepped in the way without realising it and got an axe in the shoulder the next thing I see is me falling and master Mathew with the dragon that is staring at me and has stopped trying to move I hit the ground and everything went black.

“Is he going to be ok doctor we need him for calming down a friend of his or else the city might be endangered.” A voice I heard beside me I thought was Master Greg

“He is fine Greg it won’t be long now till he wakes up and then his dragon can be calmed and yes I know you can bring that dragon up here soon if you want…”
“No” my Masters voice sounds strained “we won’t talk about why hear he might hear and that is bad at the moment so come out side please so we can talk” after this I went back to the eternal darkness I awoke latter more rested a note by my bed with a key once I was awake fully I realised I wasn’t in my room I looked around in my bed where was I. I was still in the keep I knew that but where the walls were smooth and polished black like it was marble the bed was made out of some metal I had never seen before it was cold but yet felt like it was warm after inspecting the room I read the note
________________________________________________________________________________
To Ferelgath
If you are reading this note we are out the key is to your dragons pen eat the meat that is in the container before you enter the room and were some protective gear it is a dragon that we never should have given anyone but we can’t take it back now, now that we hatched it for you go and calm it down then go to your room, where the cloths at the end of the bed, when you leave turn left and down the stairs to the stables your dragon is in the containment area
Master Greg
P.S just call me Greg from now on your one of us now but you still be my apprentice till further notice because of your dragon see you around supper
_______________________________________________________________________________
I didn’t know what Mast… Greg meant by the dragon but I would soon find out, I got out of bed and hurried to get my cloths on and to the stables I also grabbed a gas mask as Greg said to were protective clothing I ran down the corridor and down the spiral stair case that went up and down the entire keep I reached the stables and ran past Farengual again he tried to jump on me god he is playful but I told him it’s not the time and ran to the containment area.
The containment area was a carbon vault nothing short of a supernova would destroy it, made out of carbon alone that was superheated and then squished together with incredible force that it was about one thousand to the power of one thousand stronger than diamond in side was a dragon that was chained my dragon what could it possibly be that it needs to be in the containment area when I opened the door I understood why it was a 0 class dragon I could tell that immediately because of its size dragon usually are born about six meters long this dragon was two and on top of that it had wings made of fire dragon A class and lower aren’t born with wing sometimes but if they are it connected to their body’s this dragon had wings that were floating and were made of fire it had scales all over its body that were black and its tail was like a arrowhead it’s eyes were red blood red and his claws and teeth were a so dark of red that is looked black there was one last thing that was unusual it had a black plate and on it had a symbol In red the symbol meant it was not it’s only form and then it struck me not only had I got a 0 class dragon but one that could transform in to human only four other dragons could transform into humans all others could not and not only that it was a 0 class dragon non had ever had one come out of a egg before it was the only one all I hoped was that is wouldn’t get as big. The whole time I had been in the room I had a splitting headache and not noticed when I went to my thoughts I fell to the floor and started to scratch at my skin what was going on what was happening to me I thought about this as I started to peal my skin off to reveal black scales on my left arm and my right are but my right arm had some red rock growing around it all the way up to the shoulder metal was beginning to come through the open door to the containment area and my face was beginning to become longer two horns from my fore head appeared and curved behind me the metal attached itself to my back and became white hot and burned me to my bones my feet changed to have a second joint so they looked like a werewolf’s legs but with scales a tail grew out the end of my spine which also had a arrowhead on the end my hair fell off and my teeth grew sharp like daggers and my tong became like a lizards would. I kneeled there for hours and after the metal cooled I stood up and looked at myself I had wings which were glowing a blue tint and my hand were claws and I thought what could possibly get more wrong today.
“I knew it!” a voice yells in triumph from the door I look and see Master Mathew at the door “I told them that you were special but no he is just a boy I told them you would become a real dragoon!” I could not believe it after five years of him being the man that has never smiled to the man dancing with joy and triumph in front of me I could not believe it.
“Wait what I thought you were real dragoons?” I said confused Master Mathew stop dancing and looked towards me and said in a sad tone
“We are not only real dragoons become part dragon when they first meet them and bond with them can you not hear his thoughts Ferelgath?” then I realised that I could well sort of all I got was images of what he could see
“He still needs a name you know Ferelgath.” Master Mathews said I thought about this and replied after a few moments
“His name will be Coreantha” Ferelgath said taking off the gas mask
________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter two
"WHAT!!!" a man in bed shouted and rose with a start startled from his restless sleep the man was looked 40 years old had black smooth hair toned muscles from years of training and a bread that hadn’t been shaved in four days he looked around the room realising where he was, a small cottage man entirely out of wood the room was bare part from a bed and a sword that was leaning against the side of the bed,
“It was only a dream but it seemed so real maybe” (thump) the door moves as if something hit it the man get up out of his bed a grabs the sword and goes to a offensive stance, it was unusual the blade was blue like the ocean and was as long as his legs the surface of the blade was constantly changing to all shades of blue and slight tints of green the blade handle was shaped so it looked like the blade was coming from a dragoons mouth and the blade was single edged and had the shape of a giant clamore “Who’s there?” only a growl was herd “Ancalagon I told you never hit the door to wake me up hit the roof if you must but not the door remember last time I nearly stabbed you in the neck” the man moves towards the door but stops “Who’s out there are you hear to kill me?”
A female voice is heard through the door from outside “It’s all right Raichik Mauluban it’s only me so sorry for waking you but we need to talk the boy has arrived” Raichik Mauluban laughs and begins to open the door thinking “so that dream was real then it’s time for you to revile yourself but where will you strike first?”
________________________________________________________________________________
“His name will be Coreantha” at these words Master Mathew’s dropped to the floor like a dead man and said
“I think you better rethink those words before releasing your dragon”
“Why should iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” Ferelgath screamed as he released his dragon and Coreantha immediately grabbed him and ran though the hallways and outside and then took flight
“That’s why” Master Mathew’s and his dragon stood in the hallway in astonishment about how fast that dragon could move.
“You stupid little boy how rude can you be the name was nice but I should kill you for that insult” Coreantha ranted in the air after throwing Ferelgath on his back
“w-what did I say wrong?” Ferelgath asked completely dumfounded
“W-W-WHAT YOU DON’T EVEN RELISE WHAT YOU SAID WRONG I AM A SHE YOU RETARD A SHE NOT A HE” Coreantha screamed “ AND BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T FIGURE THAT OUT YOU GET A SPECIAL PRIZE!!!!” Coreantha screamed as she turned in the air upside down and let Ferelgath fall towards the ground.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Ferelgath screamed as he fell towards the ground trying to use his brand new wings to fly failing miserably at it anyone watching would have laughed as he spun and tumbled in the air thinking Ferelgath was a dragon “You stinking dragon save me for heaven’s sake I am still new to all this!” Ferelgath screamed as Coreantha came down and let him fall upon her shoulders in-between her wings then started to fly away from the moving city towards contaminated air, air that Ferelgath shouldn’t be able to breathe for the air had been contaminated by years of nuclear wars and chemical bomb and many other weapons of mass destruction, Ferelgath fainted after seeing where Coreantha was heading.
________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 3 the Great War
One of mans darkest hours the war only lasted one day but it caused the world to change to what it is today, all but Australia is a barren wasteland the reason is this when dragons first appeared the government didn’t take them as a threat and left them to multiply and grow, those idiots after about 2 years a class 0 dragon arose and started to take on the world then a man we only know as shadow came from the shadows with his dragon and started the first dragoon training class right under the governments noses, by this stage the government was launching all of its nukes, chemical agents and biological warfare when they ran out of that they decided to set bombs in nuclear reactors in its path witch turned most of Russia Asia and Africa in to a waste land then it was most other continents other than Australia and America but they knew it was only time so America evacuated every one that was left into the moving cities witch shadow had been building since he started the dragoon training there were ten moving cities that he had built in the years by the help of many robots and humans as well as friends and then as soon as the moving cities were finished all the dragoons that were trained bar one whose name was never known towards the 0 class dragon that was a fight that the world stood on edge for, so shadow was never seen again and the a class dragon was destroyed out of the 200 that went only 5 came back there storeys were all different about what happened, the contents had started to move faster to form one super continent like a giant crescent Alaska being the centre of the super continent and Australia being on the centre of the ocean and if the super continent was round Australia would be the centre and the only country that had any sort of animal plant it was left alone by all even dragons few lived there only because they protected Australia from lots of dangerous animals that where called the spawn of Maroth the monster of dragons this beast is only from myth no one know for shore the it is really real but the spawn of Maroth are animals that come from the sea only dragon fire can destroy it even wild dragons in Australia are fighting to make shore that it doesn’t live on the land for very long, the wild dragon don’t bother anything in Australia they don’t even attack humans any more witch is odd even for a dragon.
__________________________________________________________________________________
Raichik Mauluban was sitting in his home after listening to his old friend telling him about the boy he thought to himself “I would not be in position if that god be dammed war hadn’t happened but I still need to reach him in time” Raichik Mauluban rose and headed towards the door “Ancalagon get ready it’s time to fly like in the war as fast and high as the wind will take us” Raichik Mauluban said loudly while walking through the door.
________________________________________________________________________________
“Another quest what now man eating rabbits or killer rabbits or some dude running around with a holy hand grenade?” Asked the girl. A girl is in a dark room talking to a man
“not something so hard as that all you have to do is go into the god forge and steel some rocks it’s a simple get in and get out just don’t blow up half the street this time or your gone!” the man screamed the last sentence the girl yelped and ran to do the man’s bidding the girl was young and pretty with black hair that did not shine and cloths that were old and worn, she ran out a door and jumped on to the roof tops she moved with such speed and stealth that not even someone looking for her could not see her she ran toward the god forge and made it in with ease as she was running up the last of the stairs she got distracted by a light and ran straight into a boy around her age at the top of the stairs and she fell on her behind as see looked up she saw a dragon coming towards her she did what all good girls would do scream and faint the boy looked at the dragon “pick her up and take her to the infirmary and tell them what happened I will finish my amour then meet you there” the dragon shakes its head in agreement and lifts the girl on to her back and dose what it had been asked.
________________________________________________________________________________
Ferelgath fainted after seeing where Coreantha was heading. Once Ferelgath had woken up Coreantha went on a rant about how he had called her a boy and so on this went on for about two hours till Ferelgath snapped “SHUT UP COREANTHA” Ferelgath was angry that his dragon was ranting about how he talked her a boy and didn’t even think she just kidnapped him so he was beyond pissed he jumped on Coreantha and yelled “GET ME BACK TO THE CITY NOW!!!” Coreantha was in fright and did as he asked once they were back they head to the god forge to make some armour for them self’s Ferelgath had already finished Coreantha’s pieces her head and spine were protected as well as her breast’s now all he had to make was a spine chest and head amour for himself but before he started he thought he heard noises coming up the stairs so he thought he would see what it was but before he could reach the stairs and look down a girl ran into him and fell on her behind he was throne across the room by her momentum and was stunned Ferelgath heard a scream from the girl and a thud he looked to Coreantha he needed no explanation “pick her up and take her to the infirmary and tell them what happened I will finish my amour then meet you there” Coreantha shakes its head in agreement and lifts the girl on to her back and dose what she had been asked.
_ _______________________________________________________________________________
After Ferelgath finished making his amour and cleaned the forge up he headed to the infirmary to see about the girl that he had run into as he neared the door he heard the girl laughing hysterically and Coreantha with her as Ferelgath entered his jaw dropped and stared in astonishment this girl whoever she was, was not only able to hear Coreantha but also befriended her witch he had already failed to do so far she had only listened to him twice only because of the situations “Coreantha can you get a glass of water my throat is a little parched” the girl ask Coreantha, Ferelgath grinned he had before asked her to do that and got the hole glass on his head. Coreantha shook her head and said “yes I will get you one of course” Coreantha moved out from behind the curtain and Ferelgath saw what he didn’t want to see “f*** COREANTHA!!! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!!” the Ferelgath fainted because Coreantha had learned about her second form and figured out how to transform in to a 20 year old female and she was naked so as you could think what happened to Ferelgath “Coreantha was that Ferelgath I told you not to put your cloths on just to get that reaction from him so you better go get some cloths on and get me some water on the way back if you could.” And Coreantha did as she was told like a good little human dragon but failed to notice Ferelgath’s leg on the way out and kicked it making Ferelgath move and fall down the set of stairs he just climbed up “that sounded painful Coreantha what happened? Coreantha?” the girl said but Coreantha was to stunned to say anything
__________________________________________________________________________________
Ferelgath woke in a bed with Coreantha leaning over him in her human form “WHAT ARE YOU DOING COREANTHA!!”
“Oh you’re awake and I don’t know what you’re talking about Ferelgath all I am doing is keeping you warm and safe you do realise that you have been in a coma for the last two years.” Coreantha sated while Ferelgath looked like she just lost her mind “Ferelgath are you ok?” Coreantha was starting to become worried for Ferelgath
“Coreantha are you lying about me being in a coma for two years please tell me you are.” Ferelgath was looking down on to his lap and not making eye contact to Coreantha
“Ferelgath why would I lie to you yes you have been in a coma for two years because of what I did and I am sorry I really am.” Coreantha got up and started to leave.
“Coreantha don’t go, I want you to stay with me and tell me what has happened while I have been in a coma, but first what happened to the girl, who was she?” Ferelgath patted the side of the bed and Coreantha came over and started talking about what happened over the two years she started with the girl whose name was Arianna and told what she was going to do and how she redeemed herself by saving a dragon egg and about the odd behaviour of the egg after it hatched by not listening to the apprentice as much as it should. They found out the dragon had bonded with Arianna. Ferelgath was astounded by this seeing that a girl could make a rider without being with a dragon most of its life as an egg.
“Ferelgath would you like to meet Arianna? I could call her hear if you want.” Coreantha said after a long silence Ferelgath’s eyes lit up and said happily “Coreantha if you could I would be grateful so please do.”
“I will let her know you are awake and want to meet her.” Coreantha said and then used telepathy to say to Arianna “Arianna its Coreantha, Ferelgath is awake and wants to meet you could you come hear please.” Arianna was being social with the dragon rider that was the apprentice who’s dragon bonded with her “Coreantha you know as well as I do that I will obey anything you ask you’re the reason I met the dragon Savrith and his rider Strenlun and if I never met them I would not be where I am today remember that Coreantha. I will be there after I have finished talking to Strenlun.”
Coreantha was startled by this comment after four minutes she said to Ferelgath “Arianna is coming to see you now she will be hear soon.” Coreantha start to leave as she begins to walk out the door as Arianna walks in Coreantha nods and stops before exiting removes her clothes and then continues out the door as the symbol on her back begins to glow.
“so you are finally wake Ferelgath?” Arianna was wearing a red shirt and short pants she has blond hair and blue eyes. “Ferelgath I think your Coreantha loves you.” Ferelgath nodded “I know she dose she is my dragon and I am her.” Arianna looks at him and shakes her head “no not that type of love I think she really loves you as a her lover or something like that.” At that Ferelgath was in shock and started to stutter profusely “w-w-w-w-h-h-h-a-a-t a-a-a-r-r-e y-you talking a-b-o-o-o-t-t-t?” finaly after taking a deep breath Ferelgath said in one breath “are you crazy she isn’t in love with me that way I don’t think you know what your talking about a dragon and a human that defies nature and above all else what GAVE YOU THIS IDEA?” Arianna burst out laughing as Coreantha came rolling in laughing her head out Ferelgath gave Coreantha the death stair “you are so dead later on I have been awake for twenty minutes and your already playing f***ing jokes on me god you impossible.” Coreantha just started to laugh harder at what Ferelgath said “god is It going to be like this for the rest of my life?” both Coreantha and Arianna stopped laughing for a moment and said in unison “yes as long as were alive.” Then continued to laugh.

[Damxge]

I fancy myself a pretty decent writer, and I hope you take all of my criticism seriously as I don't want to get off sounding like an over-analytical snob.

From the beginning, I've found a few issues. For one, you write how you speak, you do not want to do this. People speak badly and improperly, even if they don't mean to.

So, down to the overall pickings. Your separation and use of commas and semicolons is quite lacking. In the first paragraph there are innumerable places where one is needed. Remember periods stop you for a second, make you pause, commas make you pause for about half of that.
For example,

Code:

"The black horse streaked across the barren plain, its tail whipping wildly behind it in the wind; from the tall grass before the muscular beast appeared a platoon of soldiers, all clad in battle dress and wielding swords,"

I would suggest, if you really want to be published, be more original. Come up with a name for the dragons, say, something like Atraki, referred to as dragons by the common people.

I would also suggest being more descriptive, your descriptions are basic and supplied as necessary, but they don't give a 'feel' to the locations or the people.

I would also run through it a few times to catch your typos as there are more than a few.

If you wouldn't mind, could you upload the word or notepad file to mediafire or something and give me a link, I'd like to browse through it in its original formatting and spiff it up to show you what I mean.

And by the way, welcome to the forum, my name is Mike, I'm a freelance writer and graphic artist.

[Drag]

Interesting idea. But I agree with everything Cross says. He's smart.

Listen to Cross
Praise Cross
Worship Cross

Thats our motto!

[killer8529]

hay question should i change Ferelgath and Coreantha's name to something else
just wondering are they any good because they are the main charters

[DayDream]

Its a brilliant idea and story so far Have you thought of a name for it yet?? Just one little bit of constructive criticism, use comma's where you want to separate things, it can get quite confusing, but other than that, brilliant start

[killer8529]

i been haveing some truble thinking of where this story can go so plz if you have any ideas give me a message
oh and plz go to the name post in general if you have a name better than ancalagon if you think its fine plz tell me

[Damxge]

Yay, used my name

Story's getting good mate, keep it up

[Drag]

Woah, you improved the grammar! Good job!

[killer8529]

thanks

[killer8529]

new bit up planing to write more words per update but i am starting to get stuped for lack of idears of how to discribe certain things so it will be at lest two weeks till i edit this again

[Damxge]

Hmm, maybe I can help with descriptions, and LordTomyh is amazing at it, you could possibly PM one of us over it if your stumped on a part.

[killer8529]

thanks

[killer8529]

part from grammer and spelling what else do you think it needs

[Damxge]

Hmm, not sure. You've got great ideas and I love the story so far

I'm a bit groggy right now, I'll probably come back and comment later too XD

[killer8529]

Hmm, not sure. You've got great ideas and I love the story so far

I'm a bit groggy right now, I'll probably come back and comment later too XD

what did you drink? rum?
ps But Why The Rum

[Damxge]

I just woke up actually XD


Why is the rum always gone?....Oh...

[killer8529]

hay all i happy just got word from one of my friends that she will be editing my story from now on so every now and again i will be editing this so it is correct spelling and so on
anyway any help plz post hear thanks soon i will be puting a new chapter on thank you for your time

[killer8529]

its been along time since i last posted something has it

[Damxge]

It has, as a matter of fact.
Keep it up man, I look forward to reading your stories!

[killer8529]

oh thats new i have a fan

[killer8529]

this story is back from the dead and will have many twist and turns becuse I am going to wright it with mutipull time streets and realitys good luck trying to understand it

[Legotransform]

k

[killer8529]

stuff the world

[Sponsored content]