Homejokes for everyone
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I<3TheDragonLord
MrSage
The Skooglie
TheMadOne
cyclonecasey
Legotransform
Agrapeinthesun
Damxge
ivorymaid
LordTomyh
killer8529
15 posters
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jokes for everyone
killer8529 Sat Feb 11, 2012 9:43 pm
i found this really amusing
- Spoiler:
"Logar, I got a deal to play baseball with the Warfang Free Shots! Can you believe I get to be part of the team?"
"Well Natalie, I'm going to Warfang with you. You know Bucky Harris, the Free Shots' manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team."
"Look Logar, if you're the coach, you must know all the players."
"I certainly do."
"Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team."
"Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names."
"You mean funny names?"
"Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean..."
"His brother Daffy."
"Daffy Dean..."
"And their French cousin."
"French?"
"Goofè."
"Goofè Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third..."
"That's what I want to find out."
"I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third."
Natalie got annoyed. "Are you the manager?"
"Yes."
"You gonna be the coach too?"
"Yes."
"And you don't know the fellows' names?"
"Well I should."
"Well then who's on first?"
"Yes."
"I mean the fellow's name."
"Who."
"The guy on first."
"Who."
"The first baseman."
"Who."
"The guy playing...'
'Who is on first!" Lorgar said angrilly.
"I'm asking YOU who's on first!" Natalie said, equally as angry.
"That's the man's name."
"That's who's name?"
"Yes."
"Well go ahead and tell me."
"That's it."
"That's who?"
"Yes."
Natalie took a deep breath. "Look, you gotta first baseman?"
"Certainly."
"Who's playing first?"
"That's right."
Natalie rolled her eyes. "When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?"
"Every dollar of it."
"All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base."
"Who."
"The guy that gets...'
"That's it.'
"Who gets the money..."
"He does, every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it."
"Whose wife?"
"Yes."
Natalie muttered in frustration.
"What's wrong with that?" asked Logar
"Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?"
"Who."
"The guy."
"Who."
"How does he sign..."
"That's how he signs it."
"Who?"
"Yes."
"When he signs his name, what's his name on the paper?"
"No, What signs his own!"
"Then who signs his his?"
"Of course!"
Natalie sighed. "All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base."
"No. What is on second base."
"I'm not asking you who's on second."
"Who's on first.'
"One base at a time!'
"Well, don't change the players around."
"I'm not changing nobody!'
"Take it easy, dear."
"I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?"
"That's right."
"Ok."
"All right."
"Damn it!"
"What's the guy's name on first base?" asked Natalie trying to calm down.
"No. What is on second."
"I'm not asking you who's on second.'
"Who's on first."
"I don't know.'
"He's on third, we're not talking about him!"
"What? How did... Now how did I get on third base?"
"Why you mentioned his name."
"If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?"
"No. Who's playing first."
"What's on first?"
"What's on second."
"I don't know."
"He's on third."
"There I go, back on third again! Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it?"
"All right, what do you want to know?"
"Now who's playing third base?"
"Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?"
"What am I putting on third?"
"No. What is on second!"
"You don't want who on second?"
"Who is on first."
"I don't know."
"Third base!" they said together.
"Look, you gotta outfield?" Natalie asked.
"Sure."
"The left fielder's name?"
"Why."
"I just thought I'd ask you."
"Well, I just thought I'd tell ya!"
"Then tell me who's playing left field."
"Who's playing first."
"I'm not... stay out of the infield! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?"
"No, What is on second."
"I'm not asking you who's on second!"
"Who's on first!"
"I don't know."
"Third base!" they both said again.
Natalie began venting to stay calm. "The left fielder's name?"
"Why."
"Because!" she exploded.
"Oh, he's centerfield."
"Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?" Natalie asked.
"Sure."
"The pitcher's name?"
"Tomorrow."
"You don't want to tell me today?"
"I'm telling you now."
"Then go ahead."
"Tomorrow!"
"What time?"
"What time what?"
'What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?'
"Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is-"
"I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?"
"What's on second."
"I don't know!"
"Third base!" they said together.
Natalie tried a different approach. "Gotta a catcher?"
"Certainly."
"The catcher's name?"
"Today."
"Today... and tomorrow's pitching."
"Now you've got it," Logar said happilly.
"All we got is a couple of days on the team."
"Well I can't change their names?"
"Change whose name?"
"Who's on first!"
"You know I'm a catcher too," said Natalie who had settled down.
"So they tell me."
"I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?"
"Now that's the first thing you've said right."
"I don't even know what I'm talking about!"
"That's all you have to do."
"Is to throw the ball to first base?"
"Yes!"
"Now who's got it?"
"Naturally."
Natalie began getting annoyed again. "Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?"
"Naturally."
"Who?"
"Naturally."
"Naturally?"
"Naturally."
"So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally?"
"No you don't, you throw the ball to Who."
"Naturally."
"That's different."
"That's what I said."
"You're not saying it..."
'I throw the ball to Naturally."
"You throw it to Who."
"Naturally."
"That's it."
"That's what I said!'
"You ask me," said Logar.
"I throw the ball to who?"
"Naturally."
"Now you ask me," said Natalie.
"You throw the ball to Who."
"Naturally!"
"That's it!"
"Same as you! Same as YOU! I throw the ball to first. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Whoever's on first base picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play."
"I guess."
"Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a damn!"
"What?'
"I said I don't give a damn!"
"Oh, that's our shortstop."
(you may now and ROFL all day long)
Last edited by killer8529 on Mon Feb 13, 2012 6:40 am; edited 1 time in total
killer8529- Checkmate
Re: jokes for everyone
killer8529 Sat Feb 11, 2012 10:19 pm
if you have watch the meaning of life by monty python then dont read this if you havent the by all means read this scean fom monty python in the world of spyro the dragon
- Spoiler:
- "Ready?" Spyro asked.
"As I'll ever be," Cynder said.
The curtain raised and everyone cheered. Spyro stood on the stage dressed as a barber and was talking to another dragon. "Bevis, you are incompitent! You can't even give a proper hair cut!"
"I'm bored!" said Spyro with anger. "You have no idea what it's like! Cutting the same hair for five years!" He looked away and the other dragon left stage as the stage darkened. "I didn't want to be a barber anyway." He condifently looked up at the audiance and raised his voice. "I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree-to-tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!" Music started in the background. "The giant Redwood, the Larch, the Fir, the mighty Scots Pine!" He donned a snow hat. "The crash of mighty trees!" He took off his barber shirt to reveal a lumberjack's outfit. "With my best girly by my side!"
Cynder came up in a dress and hugged him. 'It may be for a play, but I like it!' she thought.
"We'd sing! Sing! Sing!" Spyro began singing. "I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day!"
A bunch of dragons dressed as mounties appeared out of nowhere and sang along. "He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day."
Spyro then sang alone. "I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea."
"He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shopping
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day."
"I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars."
Cynder frowned from hearing this.
"He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers."
The mounties began looking around as they sang.
"He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars? !"
They looked at each other in confusion.
"He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day."
"I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear mama!"
Cynder was weaping at this point.
"He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra? !" The mounties angrilly walked off stage.
Spyro sang all alone now. "I wish I'd been a girly, just like my dear mamaaa!"
Cynder slapped him and said, "Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so rugged!"
Spyro and Cynder both bowed as the audiance laughed and cheered. The mounties started throwing tomatos at Spyro, making the audiance laugh harder
killer8529- Checkmate
killer8529- Checkmate
Re: jokes for everyone
LordTomyh Mon Feb 13, 2012 11:00 am
GEENERAL: So have you found anything on that German spy?
SOLDIER: Nein!
GENERAL: There Are Nine Of Them!
SOLDIER: Nein!
GENERAL: There Are Nine Of Them!
LordTomyh- Rook
-
Re: jokes for everyone
ivorymaid Mon Feb 13, 2012 12:39 pm
Who's on first thing is funny. I love the video of the oringianl guys doing it. so funny!
ivorymaid- Live In
Re: jokes for everyone
Damxge Tue Feb 14, 2012 1:21 am
A rabbi, a monk, and a priest walk into a bar and go up to the bartender.
Bartender: What the hell is this, a joke?
Bartender: What the hell is this, a joke?
Damxge- Rook
Re: jokes for everyone
LordTomyh Tue Feb 14, 2012 1:41 am
A man walks up to a bar and notices a glass full of $#5 bills on the counter.
He says to the bartender "Whats with the jar"
The Bartender says "put $5's in and I'll tell ya" So the man does
The Bartender says "Whoever completes 3 tasks gets the keep the entire jar" So the man asks what the tasks are
The Bartender says "put $5's in and I'll tell ya" So the man does
"The first is drink this entire bottle of tequila and show no emotion"
"Out the back their is a nasty grumpy bull dog with a tooth ache, the second task is to pull the tooth"
"And upstairs is an old women who has never orgasmed. The third task is to make her"
The man said "I'm not doing that!" And Walked off
5 minutes later the man comes back, blind drunk and says "I'm up for those challenges now"
The Bartender says "put $5's in and I'll tell ya" So the man does
The man skulls the entire bottle of tequila without showing any emotion. He then goes outside. The dog could be heard barking and growling, then howling. then it all goes silent. Everyone things the dog has killed the man when he bursts through the door
"Now where is the Women with the Sore tooth!"
He says to the bartender "Whats with the jar"
The Bartender says "put $5's in and I'll tell ya" So the man does
The Bartender says "Whoever completes 3 tasks gets the keep the entire jar" So the man asks what the tasks are
The Bartender says "put $5's in and I'll tell ya" So the man does
"The first is drink this entire bottle of tequila and show no emotion"
"Out the back their is a nasty grumpy bull dog with a tooth ache, the second task is to pull the tooth"
"And upstairs is an old women who has never orgasmed. The third task is to make her"
The man said "I'm not doing that!" And Walked off
5 minutes later the man comes back, blind drunk and says "I'm up for those challenges now"
The Bartender says "put $5's in and I'll tell ya" So the man does
The man skulls the entire bottle of tequila without showing any emotion. He then goes outside. The dog could be heard barking and growling, then howling. then it all goes silent. Everyone things the dog has killed the man when he bursts through the door
"Now where is the Women with the Sore tooth!"
LordTomyh- Rook
-
Re: jokes for everyone
Damxge Tue Feb 14, 2012 1:51 am
Hahahahahah
The other day, I was telling a funny story to a few of my friends at school,
this large woman (in the waist) walks over to me and says, "You're fattist!"
I turn to her and look her up and down and reply, "No, I believe you'll find you're fattest,"
The other day, I was telling a funny story to a few of my friends at school,
this large woman (in the waist) walks over to me and says, "You're fattist!"
I turn to her and look her up and down and reply, "No, I believe you'll find you're fattest,"
Damxge- Rook
Re: jokes for everyone
LordTomyh Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:00 am
Three men go to heaven and are greeted by St. Peter
"Now before I let you enter you have to tell me how you died"
The first man stepped forward and said "Ge this. I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I can home early and found a man hanging naked off my balcony. I knocked him off but he landed in some bushes. So I threw a fridge on him and had a heart attack"
"That's terrible" said St. Peter and let him in
The second man stepped forward and said :Get This. I was in the shower when the phone rang so I stepped out to answer it and slipped on a bar of soap, going over the balcony. I managed to grab hold of the balcony below me when this guy came out and knocked me off. I landed safely in some bushes when he threw a fridge on me"
"That's worst then the first guy" said St. Peter and let him in"
The third guy stepped up and said "Get This. I was hiding naked in the fridge"
LordTomyh- Rook
-
Re: jokes for everyone
Damxge Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:16 am
Lol doesn't quite cover it XD
Reminds me of this joke I read online a few months ago:
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
God says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", God replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God says, "So they would love you!"
Reminds me of this joke I read online a few months ago:
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks God if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
God says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", God replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
God says, "So they would love you!"
Damxge- Rook
Re: jokes for everyone
LordTomyh Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:31 am
That is Epic!
Reminds me of pic I saw ... can't remember where I saw it
Young Boy: God made the first man and women right?
Religion Teacher: Indeed
Young Boy: And they were naked in the garden, right?
Religion Teacher: (looking a bit cautious) Well yes
Young Boy: And God watched them, right?
Religion Teacher: (Looking up) Of course
Young Boy: So God invented porn, Right!
Religion Teacher: (Gonna Hurl)
SIMPLE LOGIC - ALWAYS LEAD TO THE TRUTH
That was a motivational ... or demotivational poster I saw and funny as Hell.
Reminds me of pic I saw ... can't remember where I saw it
Young Boy: God made the first man and women right?
Religion Teacher: Indeed
Young Boy: And they were naked in the garden, right?
Religion Teacher: (looking a bit cautious) Well yes
Young Boy: And God watched them, right?
Religion Teacher: (Looking up) Of course
Young Boy: So God invented porn, Right!
Religion Teacher: (Gonna Hurl)
SIMPLE LOGIC - ALWAYS LEAD TO THE TRUTH
That was a motivational ... or demotivational poster I saw and funny as Hell.
LordTomyh- Rook
-
Re: jokes for everyone
LordTomyh Wed Feb 15, 2012 4:32 pm
IT’S 8:00 IN THE MORNING
EVERYONE LEFT THEIR HOUSE AT THE SAME DAMN TIME
BACK TO YOU
CALL BACK AT 5:30
I’LL TELL YOU THE EXACT SAME THING
ONLY GUESS WHAT
THEIR GOING THE OTHER WAY
Jeff Dunham and Peanut - Arguing with myself
EVERYONE LEFT THEIR HOUSE AT THE SAME DAMN TIME
BACK TO YOU
CALL BACK AT 5:30
I’LL TELL YOU THE EXACT SAME THING
ONLY GUESS WHAT
THEIR GOING THE OTHER WAY
Jeff Dunham and Peanut - Arguing with myself
LordTomyh- Rook
-
Re: jokes for everyone
Agrapeinthesun Wed Feb 15, 2012 5:29 pm
Here's my joke.
MAN: What do you get if cross toppings with bread?
WIFE: What?
MAN: A god damn sandwich now go make me one you aren't allowed of kitchen women!
MAN: What do you get if cross toppings with bread?
WIFE: What?
MAN: A god damn sandwich now go make me one you aren't allowed of kitchen women!
Agrapeinthesun- Guardian
Re: jokes for everyone
Damxge Thu Feb 16, 2012 2:35 am
I always love those sammich jokes, though I hate how sexist they are XD
Damxge- Rook
Re: jokes for everyone
Agrapeinthesun Thu Feb 16, 2012 3:29 pm
Me too Cross [Don;t take it literally, please]
LADY: What do you have if you see a smart american blonde girl?
LADY'S FRIEND: What?
LADY: A concussion!
LADY: What do you have if you see a smart american blonde girl?
LADY'S FRIEND: What?
LADY: A concussion!
Agrapeinthesun- Guardian
Re: jokes for everyone
Damxge Thu Mar 01, 2012 8:48 am
Crude sex joke...
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breath through something so small?"
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breath through something so small?"
Damxge- Rook
Re: jokes for everyone
Legotransform Sat Mar 10, 2012 7:57 am
Knock knock
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Oh,so youve seen the TV series
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor who?
Oh,so youve seen the TV series
Legotransform- Everlast
Re: jokes for everyone
cyclonecasey Mon Apr 16, 2012 4:53 pm
What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?
A helephino!
What's the difference between a ferrari and a headless corpse?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.
A helephino!
What's the difference between a ferrari and a headless corpse?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.
cyclonecasey- Insane Person
Re: jokes for everyone
TheMadOne Mon Apr 16, 2012 6:31 pm
Good to know about the corpse.
LADY: I want to break up
MAN: I want to break down
LADY: I want to break up
MAN: I want to break down
TheMadOne- Rocketman
killer8529- Checkmate
Re: jokes for everyone
cyclonecasey Mon Apr 16, 2012 8:41 pm
it's not really a joke... just a play on words
cyclonecasey- Insane Person
Re: jokes for everyone
Legotransform Mon Jun 25, 2012 5:19 am
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Legotransform- Everlast
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